The Divine Comedy History Records

Divine Comedy
History Winter 2010
April
Special Addendum Part I:

Friday April 16, 2010
5:15 am

If you are surprised to be reading this, know that I am surprised to be writing it. According to the Divine Comedy records (and you know how fastidious we funny people are at keeping records), this is the first time that any DC Historian (like me) has ever had anything significant to record after the End of the Year Best of Show. I've already written all about that, and about our after party (and about . . . the Martinelli incident)(shudder). Turns out DC wasn't done making a difference yet this semester.

Two nights ago, we all got an email from Gregory. Apparently, something had been going on with the 100 Hour Board writers. One of the writers (I'm not sure who) sent Gregory a bunch of information: emails, blog posts, all kinds of crazy sources with a note that said "We're in trouble. We might need you guys. If something happens to me, keep an eye on [Editor #2]. I don't know if he can be trusted."

Well, things went from bad to worse. I don't know the full story, but we think all of the writers are gone. The Board is now the 100 Hour Borg. They seem to be dead-set on "assimilating" everyone and everything. It would by geek-awesome if it wasn't so geek-creepy. Gregory said he issued a challenge to the Borg. Part of me wishes he wouldn't stick his skinny neck out like that. Some of us wanted to spend this week, oh I don't know, doing finals?

Last night was craziest night of my life. Gregory got an email from [Queen Alice]. She said she was the last writer left and that she was meeting [Editor #2] in a parking lot at 3:00am. Pretty CIA, right? Well, Gregory told her not to, but she said she had to. And the Gregory called Matt, Whitney, Mallory, Jeremy and me (who all apparently answer their phones at 12:30 in the morning) and we all went to the parking lot.

We were too late.

I've seen a scary movie or two in my time, but Ho. Lee. Crud! That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen. It was almost 3:00 when we got there and we were running, calling [Queen Alice]'s name. But right when we rounded a corner, we saw a tall, blond woman trying to drag [Queen Alice] into a tunnel. We all shouted, which seemed to surprise her. Gregory said, "Let her go Ms. Ryan! We know who you are!" She let go of [Queen Alice].

That's when THEY came.

They actually came up out of the tunnel that [Queen Alice] was being dragged toward. The last thing I saw was the tall woman disappear behind a car as about a dozen . . . people came up at us. They were pale and gray and had pieces of metal stuck to their faces and limbs.

They were so fast.

They grabbed [Queen Alice]. She didn't have a chance. Matt dove at one of them, but he was hit over the head and dragged away. Gregory yelled for us to scatter and we all bolted back the way we had come.

Just before we reached the outside, I ran head first into someone. Jeremy and Mallory both yelled and tackled him to the ground. Gregory helped me up, then walked over to the person on the ground (Jeremy was sitting on his head) and said, "Good morning, [Editor #2]. You like writing answers right?" Then he leaned down and said right to his face, "Well, you have a lot to answer for."

Gave me freakin' GOOSEBUMPS!! How cool is Gregory?

Well, I thought that was it. [Editor #2] wasn't saying anything (but he had hit his head on the concrete pretty hard). We were marching him outside when all at once someone ELSE, a girl, came running up to us (Why are all these people in a parking lot at 3:00am?!). She ran up to [Editor #2] and punched him right in the mouth.

"Where is my husband, [Editor #2]?! Where is [Sauron]?!" she yelled, winding up for another punch.

And that is the story of how I met Waldorf.

It's taken a while to get her settled down and to wake up [Editor #2], who probably has multiple concussions at this point. As soon as he wakes up, we're going to figure out what to do next.

It's not going to be a very restful day.