Part 6: Fade to Credits

Divine Comedy History
Winter 2010
April
Special Addendum Part 6 (final addendum)

(Note: If you are just showing up, you should definitely, absolutely, without question go and read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and especially Part 5 of the Divine Comedy history. It tell you all about how the Board was rescued from the Borg and all sorts of details that wrap all the loose ends up about as nicely as you could hope.)

As a visibly exhausted [Editor #2] turned and limped slowly back to us, all around us pale and shaken writers began to stand up and look around in confusion.“. . . [Waldorf]?” asked a soft voice, as [Sauron] came stumbling out of the tunnel. “[Sauron]!” screamed [Waldorf] as she bolted toward him and nearly tackled him to the ground as she hugged him.

"[Sauron]!" she shouted, "How are you? How do you feel? Is your eye OK? It's huge and red! I hope that's not permanent."

We all stood around, no one saying anything as the writers began to come and join the circle.

“So . . . it’s over?” asked

“We . . . we need to go find a bathroom,” said Jeremy and James.

“I’m a little hazy,” said Matt. “What exactly happened?”

“[Editor #2] helped design Board 5.0,” said [Hobbes.]

“And he knew that Board 3.5 might come back and so he and the others designed safety protocols into the design of Board 5.0,” said [Laser Jock].

“He memorized the entire code. The whole program was contained in his brain,” said [Rating Pending].

“And he knew that if he told any of us, Board 3.5 would be sure not to assimilate him,” said [Marzipan].

“He had to keep it a secret, even though it kept us from trusting him,” said [Editor #1].

“But assimilating [Editor #2] was the only way to bring down the Borg,” said [Queen Alice] who had slowly joined the circle.

The writers all looked at [Editor #2]. "We all know now what you did and how you saved us. Everything the Borg knew, we know. And in the end, it DEFINITELY knew what happened. Thank you, [Editor #2]. Sorry we doubted you" said [Sky Bones] with a pale smile.

Everyone looked at the bruised, still-pale [Editor #2] who started to look embarrassed. “Well, it’s not like I did anything any of YOU couldn’t have done,” he said, tucking in his shirt. We all just let the ridiculousness of that statement linger in the air for a moment longer.

We looked around, at the lumps of machinery laying on the ground, the only physical remains of the ordeal. Slowly, supporting each other, and at first not saying a word, we began to slowly walk up the Marriott Center stairs. And as we walked, we talked

“So who was that blond lady, Jeri Ryan?” asked Gregory.

[Editor #2] smiled. “Ms. Ryan, would you like to answer that?”We turned and saw the blond woman, still leading an almost fainting Patricia up the stairs. She kept murmuring things like " shoulder to the wheel" and "tender mercy."
Ms. Ryan looked calm and cool and entirely unlike a person who had just been consumed by a rogue computer program.

“When my company, Tiberiius Web Security Ltd. became aware of the existence of Board 3.5 back in 2007, I was put in charge of a secret division of the company with a contract funded by BYU and the Department of Defense to monitor Board 3.5's potential effects and make sure if it, or anything like it, ever got out, to neutralize it.

She almost smiled, “In fact, we hired a friend of yours, [Former Board webmaster] back in 2008. He said to say hi and ask, what was it, ‘how are the tunnel worms?’ I assume you know what that means.”

[Editor #2] continued the explanation.“When Board 3.5 got loose, I immediately contacted Ms. Ryan to have her try and secure the Board writers and BYU campus as soon as possible. We’ve had her services on contract since 2005. Which is why the Board no longer has any budget whatsoever.”

“Unfortunately,” said Ms. Ryan, “Board 3.5 also attacked three other locations around the country, probably as a diversion. On Monday there was a massive computer break-in in a San Francisco bank. On Tuesday a fleet of oil trucks disappeared in Texas And on Wednesday there was a huge fireball over the Midwest. I assume you heard about that last one? I was only able to arrive yesterday and with greatly depleted resources.”

We reached the top of the stairs and walked out into the sunshine of a beautiful April day. We stood and looked at each other awkwardly. Some of us wanted to sleep and never wake up. The “thank yous” were implied, as was the fact that a massive, joint Board-Divine Comedy would surely have to result from this. As we all walked away, Whitney turned and shouted, “Hey, guys.” The Board writers all stopped and looked at her.

“If the Borg was really just a version of the Board, then why did they look and act exactly like the Borg from Star Trek?”

The writers looked at each other.“Well,” said [Laser Jock], “I imagine that once Board 3.5 had determined its identity, it searched for a suitable physical manifestation of a group that would obtain any and all information and beings. The Borg must have fit the bill pretty nicely.”

"And plus,” said [Rating Pending], “If it has anything to do with the Board, chances are it was all done by a bunch of nerds.”