Part Five: "Out of a job"

Divine Comedy History
Winter 2010
April
Special Addendum Part Five (final part)

10:47 pm

(Note: If you haven’t read yet about the entire crazy rescue operation that almost went wrong, you really should go back and read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.)

Frankly, I’m amazed that we survived. I keep rubbing my arms where the Borg writer was holding me, watching the whole terrible scene. The Borg Queen, standing, smirking in front of us, [Editor #2] who we all thought was responsible for betraying the other writers to the Borg, when really he was trying somehow to save us (even though he wouldn’t tell us what he was doing). All of us from Divine Comedy and [Waldorf] were being held prisoner by the other Borg writers. And there was this BYUSA girl, Patricia, being held by another Borg, a woman named Jeri Ryan.

It was, to say the least, a very dramatic situation.

[Editor #2] shouted at the Borg Queen. “You don’t want BYUSA. Take me instead!”

The Borg Queen, who up to this point had only seemed amused by everything [Editor #2] had to say, seemed to get annoyed.

“Your attempts to sacrifice yourself for your friends are futile and irrelevant. We DO wish to assimilate BYUSA, beginning with the assimilation of this girl.”

The girl Patricia started sobbing again. “Why?!” she wailed. “Why are you doing this? I know I shouldn’t have been trying to get my revenge on the Board, but you are all being so . . . so MEAN to me!” She would have collapsed but the tall, blond Borg held her up.

“What do you mean revenge?” asked Matt, who kept trying to squirm his way free from Borg [Marzipan]. “You were leaving candy for the Board writers when they took you.”

“I know,” sniffed Patricia, “But . . . but I filled all the candy with industrial strength laxatives.”

James and Jeremy suddenly exchanged a serious of extremely panicked glances, their eyes widening in horror.

“I know I shouldn’t have but . . . but . . .” She started to cry again.

The Borg Queen seemed to have enough, “Your display of emotion is inconsequential. Prepare to be assimilated.”

“No!” With a yell, [Editor #2] ripped himself loose from the restraining arms of Borg [Foreman] and ran toward Patricia. Borg [Foreman] silently followed, and other Borg writers, those not holding Divine Comedy members swiftly moved to intercept him. But before he made it to Patricia, who was still sobbing in the stiff, cold grasp of the Borg of Jeri Ryan, Borg [Pseudoname] had tackled him to the ground.

“Stop this,” snapped the almost visibly irritated Borg Queen. For the first time her calm demeanor seemed ruffled. [Editor #2] wrested with Borg [Pseudoname], trying to get free while shouting out to the Borg Queen.

“You won’t assimilate me because you want me to be a liaison for you? To help you communicate? Well listen to your liaison now.” He was overcome and dragged to his feet. “Assimilating BYUSA won’t give you what you want.”

The Borg Queen raised her eyebrows, “And how do YOU know what we want. We see BYUSA as a tightly knit group of individuals with a singular purpose. Easily lead. Easily assimilated. With their ranks added to ours, we will have both increased numbers as well as information that will give us access to university administration. And when THEY are in turn assimilated, we will be ready for the mass assimilation of all those who will enter this building.” She turned and faced Patricia, who had stopped crying but was trembling and staring at the Borg Queen with wide eyes.

[Editor #2] was breathing heavily and looked almost wild. But he kept talking. “That’s just your problem. BYUSA is NOTHING!” The Borg Queen looked back at him curiously. [Editor #2] saw an opening and kept on talking.

“They don’t DO anything! They have no power!”

“Hey!” At these words Patricia seemed to forget her fear and her danger. Her face twisted into a look of pure hate and she stared daggers at [Editor #2]. “We do EVERYTHING!! We are worth a million of you, you big . . . jerk . . .” She spluttered into an angry silence. But [Editor #2] kept on talking, keeping the attention of the Borg Queen.

“BYUSA is just there for show. The student body doesn’t know what they do and get frustrated by them. The administration doesn’t give them any information and certainly not any power to get anything done. If you assimilate them, all you’ll have is a few more drones and nothing more.”

The Borg Queen had truly stopped to listen. She seemed to pause, considering, looking at times like she was consulting with other voices inside her own head. “If you have all the answers, [Editor #2], what then do you suggest?”

[Editor #2] licked his lips and quickly glanced over at the still pinioned Gregory. “Assimilate a part of Divine Comedy.”

With yells of indignation and shouts of “traitor” and “how could you?” the members of Divine Comedy expressed their shock at his words.

“Think about it,” said [Editor #2] to the Borg Queen, ignoring the protests. “They are the premier comedy group on campus. Thousands come to their shows every semester. They know how to reach the students. They know better than the Board does! I mean look at us! We’re nerds! We like weird things like Star Trek and cloth diapers. We have strange taste in music and we like inside jokes maybe a little too much! Sometimes we’re even willing to risk isolating our readers and make them frustrated beyond all belief, for as long as a week, JUST because one of us had an idea that we thought was funny and decided to follow through with it. That’s just who the Board is.”

He paused, for breath and then continued. “Divine Comedy on the other hand. . . Well, once they are assimilated, Board 3.5, excuse me, the Borg would have a better understanding of how to communicate. People will be falling over themselves to assimilate with you. IF you have Divine Comedy.”

“We never should have trusted the Board,” shouted Gregory, who was almost purple in the face. “[P.D. Kirke] was wrong about you! Kirke should have been captain of the Board.”

[Editor #2] looked at Gregory, but continued talking to the Borg Queen. “Yes, once you had Divine Comedy, I don’t know that you’ll need anyone else.” For a second, it seemed that he quickly winked at Gregory before turning his gaze back to the Borg Queen.

The Borg Queen walked slowly up to [Editor #2]. She walked around him as he stood, held fast by Borg [Pseudoname]. “Your proposal is admirable, [Editor #2]. The information gained from the other writers confirm the influence that Divine Comedy could indeed have on our assimilation of this university. You are indeed an expert in giving answers.” She walked up behind him and leaned close to his ear. He winced and tried to turn his head way.

“Unfortunately,” she whispered, “Since Divine Comedy is such an expert in communication with the masses, I’m afraid you have answered yourself out of a position as our liaison. Be assimilated.” And she plunged two small prongs into his neck.

Borg [Pseudoname] dropped him to the floor where [Editor #2] began to writhe around in pain. His skin was already turning gray. Sweat rolled off his face. The Borg Queen looked at him, then turned and began to walk toward Gregory.

But suddenly, she stumbled and grabbed her head. All around us the Borg writer began to sway and tremble. One by one they released their grips on us. Some of them fell to the floor.

“What . . . what is happening?” gasped the Borg Queen.

“I’m afraid . . . I didn’t give you my full answer before,” gasped a now smiling [Editor #2] from the floor. “But you got the full version of it just now.”

With an inhuman shriek all of the Borg screamed with one voice.

“What is this? What are we seeing?” screamed the Borg Queen.

“You were right,” said [Editor #2], struggling to his feet. “You were superior in every way to Board 4.0. You assimilated it and us with no problems.” He walked painfully over to where the Borg Queen lay twisting in agony on the floor.

“But when you assimilated me, you also assimilated the programs, the schematics and all of the special goodies that we have developed for Board 5.0. It was all in my brain. And now it’s all in yours.”

The Borg continued to cry and yell. We all moved together, facing outward in a circle, staring at the scene around us. There were dull thuds as pieces of metal and machinery began to fall off of the faces and bodies of the Borg writers. One by one they began to lay still.

The last one to keep moving was the Borg Queen. [Editor #2] stood above her, watching her movements get weaker and weaker. Then he crouched down and stared her in the face. “You are not the only answer. WE are an answer too.” And with a last gasp she lay still.

How cool is [Editor #2]?! Gave me freakin’ GOOSEBUMPS!