Part 2: "Let's go find the Borg"

Divine Comedy History Records
Winter Semester 2010
April
Special Addendum Part II

(Note: If you are just starting to read this, you should really go start by reading Part I of when Divine Comedy got involved. Trust me, that’s when things started to get crazy.)

Friday April 16, 2010
9:21 am

We started to take [Editor #2] (who was still near unconscious) and [Waldorf] (who looked like she was ready to kill someone still) back to Divine Comedy headquarters (Matt’s condo) to try and decide what to do.

“Where are we going?” snapped [Waldorf]. “We need to find [Sauron] and the rest of the writers and they’re going to be here on campus.”

Gregory looked uneasy. “But it’s finals! Campus will be packed!”

[Waldorf] glared at him. “It’ll be packed with students so focused on their tests that they won’t even notice or care about what we’re doing. So grab him,” she pointed at [Editor #2], “And let’s go.”

[Editor #2] opened his eyes and winced. “That’s not a good idea, [Waldorf]. I know where you want to go and it won’t work.”

[Waldorf] looked at him for a second, then leaned in close to his face. “Can you tell me where my husband is, [Editor #2]? And how you are going to get him, and all the other writers, away from the Borg?”

[Editor #2] grimaced as if he was wrestling with an unpleasant idea. “No,” he said. “I can’t tell you anything.”

With that, [Waldorf] reared back and punched him in the mouth again. [Editor #2] slumped down, unconscious.

“I think you’re overdoing it,” said Jeremy who jumped back as [Waldorf] turned toward him. “Or not. Whatever. It’s cool.”

“What’s the plan?” asked Gregory.

[Waldorf] looked at her watch. “It’s almost 3:30. Can you get the rest of Divine Comedy to meet us near the pre-Columbian rock by 4:00? We’ll need as many people as we can get.”

It seemed like a long wait, but after about twenty minutes, Jason, Natalie, Jordan and Caitlin had all showed up. Gregory seemed especially proud that his insistence that we all have our Divine Comedy walkie-talkies on 24/7 was actually paying off.

“Ok,” said [Waldorf] standing up. “Let’s go find the Borg.”

------
(details and description of location of Board headquarters have been omitted)

Jason shivered as he wrapped the bandage tighter around his hand. “Why do you need blood to get through that last passageway,” he asked.

“There are some pretty serious Harry Potter fans among the writers. I think they’re a little too serious, personally,” said [Waldorf] distractedly. She was staring at the plate metal door that lead into the main headquarters. “This panel has been tampered with. And the door is slightly open.” She nudged it with her toe. It swung in, revealing blackness.

We all hung back, hoping that someone else would volunteer to go in first.

[Editor #2], supported by Matt and Jeremy, groaned softly. Somehow that seemed to make up [Waldorf]’s mind. She squared her shoulders and stepped into the room. We all nervously followed.

The light switch didn’t work. Caitlin (who you would never guess, but worked as an electrician every summer) started touching wires together on the opened access panel. Some dim track lighting flickered on.

The room was torn to pieces. Desks and chairs were heaped in a corner. Computers had been stacked and had thick ropes of wires running in between them. Electricity sparked from loose wires. A smoky mist clung to the floor and corners. But the strangest thing of all was what we were all standing on.

“Candy bars?” said Whitney. The entrance to the room was covered with twenty or so candy bars taped to pink, construction paper hearts. I picked on up. It said, “I sure hope we can be ‘butter friends’ instead of ‘Butterfinger’s!- love, Patricia” with a Butterfinger candy bar stuck to it. Natalie was holding one that said, “Even though I think you’re all ‘Nerds’ that’s no reason to hate you so irrationally! – love, Patricia.” We looked at [Waldorf], who seemed as confused as we were. “What is this?” asked Jordan.

“It’s Patricia,” said a soft, painful voice. [Editor #2] was awake again. “Patricia Stewart. From BYUSA. She tried to use the Board to spy on other students and when we reported her, she decided she had it in for us.” He held up another heart, “You might be ‘Shock Tarts’ to hear it, but I forgive you! – love, Patricia.” [Editor #2] frowned. “That one doesn’t even make sense.”

He looked around, “And as curious as I am to know how she got in here. I’m MORE curious to know where she is now.”

Gregory bent down and picked up a thick piece of stationary. “Guys? I think I know where she is.” He read the note out loud:

“April 15, 2010

Dear 100 hyphen Hour Board (she actually wrote out “hypen”. . .)

It wasn’t easy, but I found you! I’m just sorry that no one is here right now for me to give these treets to. It is almost 2:00 in the morning on Thursday night, but with the help of my candy-gram deliverers (my ward FHE group), I can bring you this candy and tell you all how sorry I am for all of the stress I put you through. I hope my actions didn’t keep me or BYUSA from “letting our light so shine.” I hope you enjoy the yummy candy I brought you because “sweet is the piece” and all that! (smiley face)

Oh, wait! I totally here you guys coming! You’re going to be so surprised when you see me! I can’t wait to see all of your bright smili . . .”

Gregory looked up. “It just ends and there are some dark smears on the bottom of the paper.”

[Waldorf] was pacing the room. “But if they’re not here then where are they?”

[Editor #2] whose face had turned almost as pale as a Borg’s when he was listening to the end of Patricia’s letter, looked exhausted. “I think it’s pretty clear where the Borg are going.” He slowly got to his feet. “They’ve pretty much assimilated the Board. Everyone except me anyway.” [Waldorf] looked like she was about to punch him again. [Editor #2] continued as if he didn’t notice. “They need to keep assimilating, and they’ll want to be somewhere there are a lot of people.”

“The testing center?” said Whitney.

[Editor #2] looked at her, impressed. “That’s a good idea, but no. There are too many cameras and too much security. They need somewhere that’s empty now, but that will slowly fill with the maximum number of people possible to come together on campus.”

We all stared at him, waiting.

“The Marriott Center,” [Editor #2] said with a sour little smile. “The Borg are getting ready for graduation.”