Rejected Daily Universe Story

Found in the trash in the Daily Universe Office
Thursday April 15, 2010:

UNACCEPTABLE FOR PUBLICATION:

Sean,

I appreciate the efforts, but (1) this is written too much as a narrative and less like a news article, (2) it's far too long to be published in the DU and most importantly (3) it's too late for our April Fool's edition. You're a great tech-trend reporter. Stick with that. I especially liked your piece, “Cell phones: Is It Time to Get One?”


Alexa Lee

Issues and Ideas Editor

P.S. Isn't "the Borg" a Star Trek thing from, like, ten years ago? Who still cares about that stuff? If you DO want to run a story like this you should include some background info on the Borg like these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Hv4q-Ry6AE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwHs-n0q_zA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZIaPZo6zyk



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Student Writers Attacked on Campus

A dramatic attack on a group of BYU students took place last Tuesday night in a laboratory in subbasement of the [BYU Building]. All of the students involved in the attack are writers on the BYU 100 Hour Board, a BYU NewsNet question and answer service. This Daily Universe reporter was an eye-witness to the event, having been invited by on of the Board editors [Editor #1], who had stated in a email to the Daily Universe that "something strange was happening on campus and [she] wanted someone who could report on the "assimilation of some our people by what seems to be a group of technologically advanced beings." As the Daily Universe's lead tech-trend reporter (see previous articles "Are People Still Using Facebook?" and "iPods: Are They a Good Thing?"), this reporter met with [Editor #1] and a group of Board writers in the lab of [Laser Jock], where they had apparently gathered for an emergency meeting.

Immediately upon my arrival, as I entered the lab, I was met with fear and suspicion, some suspecting that I was part of a group who was allegedly trying to attack the writers. According to [Laser Jock], "it's a good thing you didn't trigger the programmed alarm response," because apparently, "a laser would have completely erased your memory or just cut your head off."

Upon explaining myself, [Editor #1] seemed to be somewhat disappointed, apparently unaware of my vast experience as a technology reporter (see previous articles "LOL Cats: Can They Cause Cancer?" and "Too Cool for School: Why Not Owning a Mac Is Hurting Your Dating Life”). "This guy?" said [Editor #1], "Why isn't anyone in the administration taking this seriously? I couldn't get the police to send anyone real either." This comment seemed to cause some consternation among the writers, particularly with another Board editor, [Editor #2]. "Why are you inviting these people here in the first place?" asked [Editor #2]. "This is OUR problem and we can deal with it!"

"We are NOT dealing with it! That's the problem," broke in [Mico], another writer. "We need to get the word out and we need help. So many of us are already gone."

A lively debate started, with the majority of those present agreeing that the "assimilation" by "the Borg, or whoever this is," was making the stituation desperate. Finally, [Editor #1] got everyone's attention by dramatically pointing at [Editor #2], "And most importantly, we need to ask HIM what is going on!" The group turned expectantly to [Editor #2] who seemed uncomfortable.

"There is a lot here that you don't understand. There's a lot here that I don't even understand," he said as the group of shocked writers stared at [Editor #2] and at each other.

"Are you saying that it's [Editor #2]'s fault? That he's making these attacks happen?" asked [Pseudoname]. "Because [Rating Pending] seemed to have found some evidence that it's actually . . ."

"It doesn't matter," broke in [Laser Jock].

"What do you mean? It could be the key to figuring out how to stop the Borg!" said [Editor #1].

"No. It doesn't matter right now," [Laser Jock] replied calmly. "Because they're here."

That's when they attacked.

A ring of dark figures slid out of the shadows from the corners of the room. They were pale gray with pieces of thick black machinery seemingly fused to their bodies. The writers seemed to recognize many of the figures and gasped in horror. "That's! That's Cognoscente!" someone yelled. "Marzipan? Can you hear me? Marzipan!" [Saint Sebastianne] was the first to be taken. She was hurling pieces of machinery at the oncoming attackers when one of them rushed at her from the side, sweeping her up under its arm and taking her off into the darkness.

As the other writers defensively moved into a circle in the center of the lab, and this reporter totally did not scream or wet himself, [Laser Jock] turned to his instruments and began asking himself questions. "Why didn't the alarms go off? Why didn't the perimeter keep them out?" And then, we heard someone, one of the attackers, or all of them together, speaking:

"Your continued resistance is futile. The knowledge acquired by the assimilation of the entity called [The Detective] was sufficient to bypass your irrelevant security measures. You will now surrender and be assimilated."

[Editor #1] stepped forward and shouted at the oncoming figures, "What do you want with us? Why us?"

The figures suddenly stopped, paused, and then spoke again:"The 100 Hour Board consists of entities with great potential for consolidation and acquisition of information. But weaknesses inherent to independent, organic individuals make the 100 Hour Board fatally flawed. Upon your assimilation into the Collective, the Board will continue to provide answers. Your directive is 'Your questions. Our answers.' Now they will truly be ‘Our Answers’ We are the Answer. We are Borg. Resistance is futile.”

[Editor #1] kept standing defiantly in front of the oncoming Borg. "We will not surrender and we will not be assimilated" shouted [Editor #1]. The Borg stopped again. [Editor #1] turned back to face the group. "OK, people. Here's the plan, when I say three, we all make a break for it. They can't catch us all. We all go for help and meet up in . . ." But before anyone could say anything, one of the Borg, who this reporter was told used to be [Black Sheep] rushed up and smashed a bionic arm over [Editor #1's] head. The group broke apart in panic.

As the writers fled (and this reporter totally did not start crying), [Editor #2] was seen being backed into a corner by two of the Borg. "Why are you doing this?" he cried. "We are fulfilling our directive. We have come here to assimilate those who can help us. Those who are most similar to us. You ARE us, [Editor #2]." With a cry, of "I can fix this. I can fix this!" [Editor #2] spun around and smashed through a window, leaving his attackers behind. Suddenly, something grabbed this reporter by the ankle. It was [Editor #1] whose skin had already turned a sickly pale gray as the "assimilation" began. "I was wrong," [Editor #1] whispered. "We were all wrong. It's not what we think!" At that point, this reporter totally did not lose consciousness because he totally did not faint.

Suddenly, this reporter was slapped in the face and grabbed around the collar by [Laser Jock] who was carrying what looked like a laser cannon under his arm. "Time to go," he said calmly. He handed the laser to [Mico] who used it to slice off the mechanical arm of the closest Borg. "Sorry, Gimgimno," she said. We moved to a wall where [Laser Jock] typed a quick code into a keypad. "Shut up. Stop crying, please. You have to run now," and he pushed this reporter into a narrow, musty passageway. The door slid shut behind me and I was alone.

Upon reporting my experience to the police, I was shocked to find that even with my keen journalistic talent of expressing important concepts (see previous articles"Bejeweled: Are You Playing Enough to Be Competitive?" and "iPhone: Is It More Than the Word ‘Phone’ With an ‘I’ in Front?”), no one seemed to believed my story.

Further attempts to contact [Editor #1] and any of the Board writers have been unsuccessful.

Sean Luke
Tech-Trend Reporter
Daily Universe