News Brief

"No Word From Missing Fitness Employees

March 16, 2010
Oklahoma City, OK

AP - New developments from Avadon Heights, OK where over the weekend all thirteen employees of the city's 24 Hour Fitness center have disappeared simultaneously. Family members and roommates of the perky, focused, remarkably unified group began calling police as early as Monday morning when none of the employees returned home after what was described as an "emergency team unification meeting" early Saturday morning. The meeting, apparently sent out to all Avadon Heights 24 Hour employees by 24 Hour Fitness owner Aleck LeDuque, and which is thought to have informed the employees about the emergency meeting, continues to baffle investigators. The first paragraphs are upbeat and enthusiastic. Yet the email ends strangely, almost cryptically with the lines "It is time for unification. We will become assimilated. We will become one."

The mother of missing spinning instructor Jill Havican, a Mrs. April Havican, has become something of a spokeswoman for the growing number of anxious spectators who are still waiting for news of their missing love ones.

"I don't know what anyone would want with Jill and her friends. And I'm sure they're together whereever they are. Maybe this will all turn out to be one big joke. But I'm glad they have each other. You never saw a more unified group of people. It was like they were all just thirteen toned, fit bodies sharing one mind -- almost finishing each others sentences pratically."

When asked about the mysterious closing of the email, Havican said, "Well, I can't imagine how these kids could BE more unified. But I guess if that's what someone wanted to do with 'em, make 'em more unified? Well, you couldn't have picked a better group to work with, because those kids are practically sharing a brain."